Facing Death
Two weeks ago, my family and I began the discussion of what my mom would like for her funeral service. We asked her questions like what she would like to do with her body, embalm or cremate, and whether she would like a Christian service or a more traditional Chinese ceremony. We asked her where she would like to be buried and what kind of coffin she would like. To be curt, we all cried.
Afterwards, I asked my sister why she was asking her all these questions. I asked her what she would like, and she responded that she didn’t care. She would be dead so why care. I said to her that mom probably feels the same way, and asking her all these questions is a nuisance. We stopped asking her since, but we still give her an idea of what will be happening.
Around the same time, she began taking morphine for pain. It was one of the most moving moment during this whole ordeal. Despite my mom sleeping for most of the day and not being able to move much, she has remained lucid. I believe that’s one of the reasons why its so hard for my family to let go, because her mind is still so active. Not much escapes her sharp eye and keen senses. She would murmur us instructions and notice our bad habits, even though her body is basically broken and she is suffering a lot of pain. But when she took morphine for the first time, she was high as a kite, and she didn’t make sense. She would forget what she was saying half way, or she would be unable to express herself, losing track of words. It made us really face what would come eventually.
It made me think about what we were doing. Our desire to keep her here, is that a selfish act? Her body might be failing, but her mind is still strong. Should we keep her alive until she loses her mind as well? I began to question the morality of our desires to keep her alive. It has been the most painful experience in my life to watch my mom die slowly before my eyes. It feels like a long protracted purgatory, never knowing what will happen, never being able to plan.
She’s been more and more vocal about wanting to die after we had our conversation about her funeral services. Each time she talks about it, it sends pangs down my chest and makes my heart sink. She even said on valentine’s day that it was a good day to die, because we all shared some happy moments and got together, and that was all she wanted to see.
When a person wants to live, its because they have something to look forward to. They can appreciate life and the ability to engage the world. Did she not have that to look forward to anymore? Was there truly nothing left? Even her desire for food has waned, and it was a very troubling sign.
I asked her about all these things I’ve thought of, whether we were being selfish, why she wasn’t motivated to live anymore, and what she thinks and feels through this time. She said that we weren’t selfish, just foolish. We weren’t accepting the truth, the truth being that she will die sooner rather than later. We weren’t accepting that no treatment has improved her condition. She said she didn’t want to live because there is no hope for improvement. It will only get worse, and she doesn’t want to burden us any longer. Even in her final moments, she still thinks of us. She fell asleep before she could answer what she was thinking. That’s what its been like; fleeting moments of clarity and activity, then long periods of dormancy.
Today, she decided to skip dialysis. Over the next few days, the toxins will build up in her body and she will get more and more drowsy. Her mental acuity will diminish and she will sleep longer and longer. Even now, its hard to let go. I’ve said before that I’m ready, but now I think it was me just trying to convince myself.
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boastreefsandwich reblogged this from perpetualponderer and added:
honest look at death:
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nocturnalparoxysm said:
i was moved. *hugs* i can’t find the right comforting words… but… whatever you’re going through, i just want you to know you have a friend in me. stay strong.
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